How Can It Be?

31,536,000 seconds, 525,960 minutes, 8,760 hours, 365.25 days, 52.143 weeks, 12 months, 1 years. That is how long I have lived without you. My mind still can’t grasp the thought that you are gone. My heart aches every single day to hold you, to feel your weight in my arms. Gosh, you were so heavy.

My heart hurts knowing I won’t be able to watch you grow up and see who you’d become. I catch myself wondering what you’d look like. How tall you’d be? It’s been one whole year since I have looked into your blue/gray hooded eyes and seen that underbite smile, man I loved that little smile of yours, it was so contagious, and you didn’t smile with just your mouth you smiled with your whole body. I’m going to be honest it’s not easy seeing little boys around your age. It makes me sad and angry sometimes…I think to myself “Why couldn’t you still be here with me?”

I miss hearing your sweet little voice say my name, “momma”. I miss your deep throaty belly laugh you’d make. I miss your sensitive little heart that you loved SO big with. I miss counting your fingers and doing little piggy with your toes, you’d come and lay on me and put your toes in my face and say “piggy’s, momma piggy’s!” We would just laugh and laugh. I miss our late night snuggles that you’d steal from me when you were supposed to be in bed. We would hide from Daddy and just giggle under the covers until he would find us. I miss your toys being all over my house and tripping over them or stubbing my toe on something, even though it hurt so bad. I miss finding your chocolate milk cups that you just threw wherever. I miss having to wash your dirty little clothes. I just miss you so much.

I think of the day we lost you often and how I could have been there for you better. I sometimes wake up in a panic, sweating, heart racing, chest tightening, the air in my lungs feel like I’m inhaling fire, then the gut-wrenching sobs that come uncontrollably. I also remember the days after. Sleep didn’t come easily but then that’s all I wanted to do. I couldn’t stop crying, my eyes hurting so bad and when I thought there were no more tears left here, they’d come pouring down my face. They let me hold you before we laid you to rest. It was like you were sleeping, except your chest wasn’t moving up and down; I kept watching just in case it was just a bad dream, and you were just sleeping. But it wasn’t a dream, so I just held your lifeless body not wanting to put you down. I counted your fingers and moved your hair like you always had it. You were still so heavy. I didn’t like leaving you there alone, but sissy needed me. She misses you so much too. It’s hard watching her grieve, so young. She doesn’t fully understand it yet, but I know she thinks of you often. She talks about you all the time. At first it bothered me and was hard to hear. But now I have learned to love her stories of you and how you are still here watching over us. Gosh, how’d we get so lucky with you two!

They say the first year is the hardest, but I’d have to disagree. There is no amount of time that is going to make losing you easier. One whole year I have lived without you, and I have lived with the pain of knowing I have many more years to live without and I don’t know if I can do it. I start to get sick to my stomach when I think about it too much. I must remind myself that each day is one day closer to being with you again.

I cannot wait for the day I open my eyes and Jesus takes me by the hand and says “Come, someone has been waiting for you!” and there you ARE!!! I’m not sure if I’ll run or fall to my knees, I guess I’ll have to wait and see. But, oh what an AMAZING reunion that will be.

It won’t be long Lil Bud; it won’t be long!

I love you! ~ your Momma